


Starving to Please

by Cheyanne614



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Aftercare, Angst, Anorexia, Bottom!Sherlock, Boyfriends, Broken Sherlock, Caring, Caring John, Couch Cuddles, Cuddling & Snuggling, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Healing, Johnlock - Freeform, Johnlock Fluff, Kissing, Love, Loving Sex, M/M, Nervous Sherlock, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson Smut, Sweet, Sweet John, Virgin Sherlock, top! John
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 10:10:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3525314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheyanne614/pseuds/Cheyanne614
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the outside Sherlock Holmes seems un-breakable, but when John discovers his best friends past in learns that the great detective is infant very broken. John helps his best friend heal and over come fears that have troubled him for years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

John had always been concerned about Sherlocks weight. The man looked so fragile, like he could break at any moment. Maybe it was because John was a doctor or maybe because he was a friend but either way Sherlocks weight had gotten out of control. That morning at breakfast John offered him a piece of toast but he insisted he wasn't hungry. Same at lunch and dinner. 

"Sherlock you have to eat"

"Slows me down John"

"You'll get sick"

No response. Sherlock finished whatever he was working on before and actually retreated to his bed room. 

00000000000000000000000000000

In the safety of his room sherlock stripped down to nothing but his pants and looked in the mirror. To anyone else they would have seen every rib, concave stomach, hip bones very visible, and legs that look so small you would think they would break at slight pressure. But that's not what Sherlock saw, he saw an imperfect and flawed body. He stood there pulling at the skin on his stomach and thinking it was fat and holding his thighs to see it they still shook. He stepped onto the scale and let out a deep sigh, 8 stone (112 lbs) hurt and disappointment washed over his face and his eyes brimmed with tears. 

"I'm disgusting," tears began to fall down the pale mans cheeks " this is why John won't love me, i have to fix it, I won't eat for 4 days this week, lots of water, I'll get out and exercise. Maybe then he will love me." 

Sherlock went into his bathroom and pulled put a small velvet box that held four box cutter blades. He selected the newest one and held it to his wrist and moved it across until the blood came to the surface, he repeated the same action several times on his thighs, stomach, and upper arm. After the blood was cleaned up he took a shower and climbed into bed.

00000000000000000000000000000  
*Next Morning*

Sherlock was already up and dressed in a purple shirt that was once tight on him but now was a bit loose.  
"tea?" John asked  
"Please"

John brought their tea and sat it on the table.  
"Sherlock"  
"Hmm"  
"Come sit and eat with me yeah?"  
"Not hungry" as soon as the words left his mouth John wanted to tell him he was a liar and shove a piece of toast in the mans mouth.  
"Then just come sit with me and drink your tea"  
No response or movement  
"Please?"  
Sherlock stood from his desk and say down across the table from John.The doctor gave him a quick smile and scooted the detectives tea closer to him.  
"Do you want any toast or strawberries?"  
"I hate repeating myself, John"  
"Sherlock just eat some of the fruit"  
"No"  
"Yes"  
"No"  
"Sherlock!" John at this point was frustrated that his friend wouldn't eat." Sorry, look I'm just really worried about you.When was the last time you have eaten?"

"John, I am a grown man, I can feed myself."  
"Really? I'm not so sure you can. When was the last time you ate?"  
"Wednesday" Sherlock replied. Johns mind began to spin. Today was Saturday.  
"Sherlock you haven't eaten in 3 days."  
"Yes, I can count the days. Why does it matter?" Now Sherlock was getting angry.  
"It matters because if you don't eat your going to die!"  
Sherlock pushed his chair back harshly and went out the door.

John sighed, grabbed his coat, and went after him. He followed him with caution trying not to be seen. He followed the detective to a small park with a little pond and watched him sit down under a barren tree. It was the beginning of February and to say the least England was cold, and Sherlock didn't have his jacket. John watched as Sherlock sat there playing with his fingers. When Sherlock began to shiver John moved toward him and took off his jacket before wrapping it around his friend. Sherlock looked at him as John sat down.

"Why are you here" Sherlock asked  
"I could ask you the same."  
"I thought I was obvious, I was mad and needed to think"  
"Why we're you mad"  
"You."  
"Me?"  
Sherlock nodded  
"Okay, what did I do to make you mad?"  
"You act like I can't take care of myself. 'Sherlock eat' 'Sherlock sleep' 'Sherlock clean up the acid in the sink' I get sick of hearing it John"

"I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to upset you. I know you can care for yourself but Sherlock," John hesitated, " I lost you once and if their is anything I can do about it I won't lose you again. I was miserable without you."

"And I you"  
"Really?"  
Sherlock nodded " yes, you are the only reason I came back John, there are far more interesting things I could have done in the place I was but I didn't want to solve crimes and jump rooftops if I couldn't do it with you"

"That may be the nicest thing you have ever said to me" John said smiling softly. the wind picked up and he shook briefly. " let's go home, yeah?"

As they walked they casually bumped into each other like always and Sherlock pulled johns jackets tighter around him. Upon returning home Sherlock went to lay on the couch and fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Days upon days passed and Sherlock still refused to eat more than an apple or some nuts. He looked thinner than before and John knew he had to do something. And that something was speaking to Mycroft.

John took a cab to meet Mycroft at a café outside of London.

"Doctor Watson, how are you?"  
"Alright, how are you?"  
"Fine. Shall we?" Mycroft questioned opening the door to the café. John nodded and walked in. 

"I'm assuming your here to talk about my brother."  
"Yes, Mycroft I'm quite worried about him."  
"Why?"  
"He doesn't eat, he is getting paler by the minutes and I'm just worried that one day I'll wake up but he won't."  
"Doctor Watson do you want to know the truth or a lie about Sherlock Holmes"  
"What? Of course I want the truth"  
"What I tell you stays between us, and us only. Sherlock shouldn't know for his benefit. It would hurt him to know I told you this."  
John nodded asking Mycroft to proceed.  
"When my brother was 17 he got into a relationship with a man named Victor."  
Johns eyes went wide at the fact that Sherlock had even had a previous relationship.  
"Victor was kind to him, took him to dinners, bought him presents, all horribly dull things that Sherlock pretended to like because he thought it made Victor happy. And if there was someone who would love him, it was something he may never get again. So he went along with everything Victor did. They graduated and went to the same university. That's when everything changed. They lived together but Victor never wanted to spend time with Sherlock. He was always out with "friends" he cheated on Shelock more times that you can count. One night Victor came back drunk, yelling insults at Sherlock telling him he was worthless and that he should leave him. Sherlock was hurt but tried to blame it on the alcohol. Victor raped him that night. The next morning Sherlock went to the bathroom to shower, when Victor came in, he told Sherlock he was fat, ugly, disgusting and that no one would ever love him for as long as he looked like that. He should have ended the relationship but didn't because he grew to think Victor was right. That's when Sherlock stopped eating like a normal person, that's why Sherlock doesn't have relationships, doesn't have sex. John he is terrified of it. Victor did so many horrible things to him, but he never told anyone. The abuse continued all the years of uni and then when Sherlock told Victor he was moving, he left Sherlock like he never mattered. And I suppose to Victor he didn't matter, but Sherlock thought Victor had loved him and it hurt him that he had failed his only relationship. He cares about you John, and if you can't see that then pardon me but you're bloody stupid. He wants you to think he is perfect and brilliant in every way, he want to impress you. Victor used to " reward" Sherlock for every half stone he would lose. The reward of course wasn't pleasant for Sherlock,only for Victor but Sherlock thought and still thinks that is how sex is. Painful, harsh, rough, and full of agony. If it made Victor happy he would do it, that's why he lets very few people in now, John."

John sat quiet and just stared at Mycroft for a minute. He wanted to find Victor, track him down and kill with his own hands. He felt sorry for Sherlock, wanted to hold him and make everything better. He was surprised to learn Sherlock liked him more than a flat mate and friend and he felt awful knowing he was the reason Sherlock was starving himself. 

"What can I do to help him" John asked with his voice cracking, fighting back tears.  
"Do what you think is right, doctor Watson"  
John nodded and came up with a plan in his mind.  
"Thank you Mycroft, I wish that never happened to him."  
"Me too, but it did and we can't change it. Good day doctor Watson."  
They both stood from the table and shook hands and headed to walk out.  
"Not a word to my brother"  
John nodded and hailed a cab.

00000000000000000000000000000

John had the cab drop him off a block away from 221b, giving him time to think and a moment to compose himself. He wouldn't admit it but he cried silently most of the taxi ride.

When he arrived at the flat he walked in to not see Sherlock anywhere. John only had one place left to check and that was Sherlocks room. When he opened the door he saw the detective in only his black pants. When Sherlock saw John he flung himself onto the bed and wrapped himself in a sheet. It was too late for John, and of course Sherlock knew it but he hoped John wouldn't bring it up. John saw every rib, hip bones that stuck out, very visible collar bone and Sherlock entire spinal cord.

"Sorry, didn't mean to see you in your pants"

"It's alright, where we're you"  
"I went to the pub to have a pint"  
"No you didn't, you saw my brother. Why?"  
"No reason"  
"There is always a reason" Sherlock said pulling the sheet tighter.

"Right, well, um I was going to ask if you wanted to watch a film with me and get takeaway."

Sherlock raised one eyebrow, it was odd for John to want him to watch a movie "alright let me put on clothes"

John went downstairs, ordered the food and picked a few movies.Sherlock arrived minutes later In his favorite blue dressing gown and gray pj pants. 

" I laid out some films, pick out whatever one you think would bore you the least" John yelled as he walked to the door to pay the takeaway man.

He handed sherlock a box of Thai noodles and sat beside him on the couch. Sherlock had put in secretly one of Johns favorites "the best of me".

"Why did you chose this movie?"  
"I hadn't seen it, we have watched the others. Why do you not like it? I can take it -"  
"Sherlock it's fine, I just wondered why you picked it since it was a romance movie."  
Sherlock blushed obviously embarrassed  
"Hey, no need to be embarrassed I like the film, I bought it didn't it?"

 

Through out the movie Sherlock continued to stab around at his noodles never taking a bite though. 

"Sherlock" John Said leaning closer to him " 5 normal sized bites, please"

There was a desperate look in Johns eyes and Sherlock brought the noodles to his mouth.

John smiled "thank you." He leaned into Sherlocks shoulder and stayed there. Sherlock tensed up, partly because John was leaning against fresh cuts but mostly because John was actually leaning on him. After the last 4 bites Sherlock moved his arm and wrapped it around Johns shoulders. They both smiled and leaned in more. 

"John" Sherlock swallowed loudly. " I think I may love you"

John looked up and smiled at the taller man,"the feeling is mutual" he sat up a bit and placed a small kiss to Sherlock's cheek. Sherlock almost jerked away but forced himself not to. That was another "side effect" of Victor, Sherlock was scared that any attempt at affection would end in being hit, insulted, or held down and forcibly penetrated. He decided then that he would try his best not to let his past with Victor ruin the chance he had with John.

The movie finished and John stood up and stretched along with Sherlock.

He walked over to the detective and kiss his cheek once more before whispering, " Good night beautiful, see you in the morning" 

Sherlock stood in shock. John called HIM beautiful. No one had ever called him that.


	3. Chapter 3

Sherlock made sure to get up before John that morning to make them breakfast. He found that if it made John happy to see him eat just a little bit he could. Sherlock was a awful cook, anyone who had ever asked him to cook knew that. He decided that he could fix toast, eggs, and fruit without ruining it. The toast came up a moment before John entered the kitchen. He was still In his dressing robe and John was in a white t shirt and sweat pants. John came over and hugged him gently.  
"You made breakfast?"  
"Obviously " one could only expect that answer from Sherlock but he said it with a fondness that usually didn't appear in his voice. Sherlock put a little of each thing on a plate for John and put a few pieces of cut up fruit on his. John smiled and they made their usual conversation until...  
"John"  
"Hmm"  
"What are we?"  
"Ah, I don't know what would you like to be?"  
Sherlock mumbled something incoherent  
"Sherlock you'll have to speak up"  
"Yours."  
The answer was short and simple but so sweet.  
"Really?"  
The curly haired man look up and nodded " I understand if that's not what you want. I mean how could you want me, look at me."  
"You're perfect Sherlock."  
He scoffed " I am anything but perfect John"  
"Well, no one is perfect but your perfect to me and if it's alright with you I would love to be yours as well"  
It was as if fireworks went off in Sherlocks eyes "really? You're not just messing with me?"  
"God no, I would never do that." John said quietly and reached across the table to take Sherlocks hand.  
"John you probably know this, but I'm new to this whole relationship thing and I don't know how it's supposed to work, what I'm supposed to do, or really anything about it. I'm sorry if I screw it all up" he was rambling but was sincere.  
" you won't 'screw it up' Sherlock, just do what you feel comfortable with and everything will be fine. Okay?"  
Sherlock nodded and squeezed His bloggers hand before leaving to go shower. When John looked over he noticed Sherlock had only taken one bite out of a slice of Apple. He sighed and cleared the table before getting ready to go to the surgery. 

00000000000000000000000000000

 

Earlier in the bathroom Sherlock forced himself to throw up any remains of what was in his stomach before taking a shower. He heard John leave for work and anticipated his return.   
00000000000000000000000000000

When John came home he had a bag from Tesco and a bottle of wine.

" I thought we could have spaghetti and wine."  
"I ate this morning I'm not hungry, I'll sit with you though. I believe a new episode of Doctor Who comes on tonight."  
"Sherlock" John had that 'I mean business' look in his eye "you had one bite of an apple slice."  
"Since when are you so concerned about my eating habits?! You never cared this much before!"  
"Because you ate enough to at least keep you halfway healthy!"  
"I .AM.FINE!" With that Sherlock stomped out of the room and slammed his door.

After an hour John felt guilty for yelling at Sherlock. He walked to the door and knocked. No answer. He opened and saw Sherlocks small frame on the bed.   
"Can I sit down?"  
"Mmhm"  
John went over and sat on the edge of the mattress and ran his fingers thorough Sherlocks hair.   
"Can we talk, calmly."  
He felt Sherlock nod.  
"Okay, I'm sorry for being upset with you earlier. I shouldn't have been as harsh. Sherlock I'm not going to press you to tell me anything but I know something's wrong and I want to help you. Honestly anything you want at Tesco I will get it for you if you'll eat it. You don't have to eat a feast, even something like a can of soup would make me happy. I don't want to lose you again"  
"You won't"   
John sighed and went to leave, but to his pleasant surprise Sherlock followed him.  
"Want any help with the spaghetti?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings! I hope you all are enjoying this story! I love writing it, please comment and let me know what you think about it! Comments are like crack to me!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings! I hope you all are enjoying this story! I love writing it, please comment and let me know what you think about it! Comments are like crack to me!

Sherlock managed to eat around 10 bites of spaghetti and drink all of his wine. After John cleaned up the kitchen he went and sat on the sofa and turned on the Telly. Sherlock was busy poking some poor animal with a sharp stick to notice John talking to him. 

"Sherlock?" He repeated until the detective looked up and he patten the spot next to him, a silent command of 'please come sit with me' 

Sherlock got the hint and removed his goggles and latex gloves and sat down close next to John. He was stiff and it was easily noticeable. 

"Hey, just relax okay? Everything's fine." John whispered before wrapping his arm around Sherlock. He intended for the taller man to rest on his shoulder but Sherlock moved completely and put his head in Johns lap. John smiled and slowly ran his fingers thorough the dark curls. It was only a matter of 10 minutes before Sherlock had surprisingly fallen asleep. 

The blogger would have liked for his detective to stay there forever but unfortunately he had to use the bathroom. He let his hand rest on Sherlocks shoulder and he shook him slightly. 

"Sherlock, I have to pee"

"Then go"

"I can't, your in my lap." Sherlock moved up long enough for John to get up and then laid back down.

"Will you be back down?" He called as John disappeared by the steps.

"Yeah" he called back 

When John came back they took up their positions until it was time to go to bed. Sherlock got up leaving Johns lap feeling cold and empty. 

Sherlock hadn't been asleep, he had been building up the courage to this.

"Good night John, thank you for dinner and for not hating me." He bent down and kissed the top of Johns hair and moved to walk away when John caught his hand.

"I could never hate you. Please get that into your brilliant head." He gave Sherlocks hand a gentle squeeze and then let him to to his room. 

00000000000000000000000000000

"JOHN"

It was 6am and johns day off, he hadn't planned on getting up for at least another 4 hours.

"Mmm"

"WE HAVE A CASE! GET UP! A WHOLE FAMILY HAS BEEN KILLED!"

John looked up at the over excited man in his room "A whole family has been killed and you're excited?"

"Aren't you?"

"A bit not good, love. Families shouldn't be dead"

"Love?" Sherlocks voice grew quiet and johns eyes went wide when he realized what he has said. 

"Sorry, just came out."  
"No, it's fine I uh like it."  
"I'll be ready in 10 minutes, Kay?"

Sherlock moved out of the room and disappeared down the steps.  
00000000000000000000000000000

"Where's Lestrade?" Sherlock called out to no one in particular.

"Hey freak" Donovan said from behind them

"Where's lestrade, he called me here since you and Anderson can't do anything correctly beside cheat on eachother.

"Sherlock Holmes you are the most awful human being I have ever met."

"Shut up, and tell us where Greg is." John cut in, obviously getting frustrated with Sally's insults.

"3rd floor of the building room 245"

They walked off without another word to her 

"Who's Greg?"

John mentally face palmed. " Greg is Lestrade's name Sherlock."

"Really?"

"Yes"

When they arrived in the room it looked like world war 2. Bloody hand prints and smears covered the once white walls. Sherlock began looking around. 

"Adult male found near the door, probably because he was trying to protect his family, meaning he loved them enough to risk his life. Steady relationship, but struggled financially. Adult female pressed against the bedroom door, obviously wanting to see if her husband was alright. With her was 3 children by the looks of it ages 10,7, and 4. The door was not opened until you all opened it and found them correct? "

"Yes"

"Then there wasn't just one attacker. Someone had to shoot the mother and 3 children in that room and escape through the same room because the door was never opened. The impressions on the carpet are feint, probably because your team of idiots have already plowed through here and walked over them. But I would guess you are looking for a large built man, size 10 shoe size, probably around 210 pounds, that's who killed the wife a kids. However a woman, size 8 feet, probably 146 pounds, shoulder length blonde hair killed the father. No doubt these two were working together, but what was their motive? Simple, John, look at the features of the parents and then of the children. What is wrong with that picture?"

John moved thought the house and them finally to the kids.

"The middle doesn't have any of the traits of his brother and sister or of the parents. I would say he is adopted."

"Brilliant John, the middle child. Adopted from the local orphanage 15 months ago. Biological parents decided they wanted him back, tried asking nicely but was denied, so what happens when people don't get their way? They get angry. The both of them broke into this house knowing how the parents would react, so they planned it. While the wife shot down the father, the husband attempted to shoot the mother and 2 kids, what he didn't know is that his son was in between the 2 kids and when he shot the girl he also shot his son. After realizing that, he freaked out and yelled to the living room to tell his wife. Now, the wife didn't intend to kill the father,she wanted to distract him long enough for her husband to grab the kid and sneak out through the emergency stairs, BUT when the husband told his wife of the mistake she shot the father, thinking since there was no witnesses they couldn't be caught. God people are so dull."

"Alright, thank you boys, we will need you to come down to the yard and fill out the paper work." 

Sherlock had already started walking away when John thanked Greg and jogged to catch up with him.

"Sherlock, you are absolutely brilliant." 

Sherlock blushed profusely "thank you John, you did remarkably well"

Once they turned the corner John took Sherlocks hand and immediately felt the taller mans breath hitch and his eyes fell on him, but thankfully he didn't object.

"Breakfast?" Sherlock asked, "I'll buy."

"Sure" John smiled and they headed toward a little cafe. John had an omelet and Sherlock had coffee, John let it go as long as he promised to eat a little bit of lunch or dinner. 

Words couldn't express how thankful he was that John didn't press him to eat breakfast. One thing he hated more than eating was eating out, he felt like everyone was staring and judging him. 

When they came back to the flat John went back to bed and Sherlock went to his mind palace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings! I hope you all are enjoying this story! I love writing it, please comment and let me know what you think about it! Comments are like crack to me!


	5. Chapter 5

The day passed with no significant events happening. They said goodnight as usual and retreated to their normal rooms. Sherlock had managed to avoid eating for the entire day without John noticing and he was grateful for that, it's not that he wanted to upset John, quite the opposite actually. He just honestly believed that if he gained anymore weight john wouldn't love him. He stepped onto the scale. Half a pound more than yesterday. Disappointment and shame came over him and he purged anything he could get out of his stomach. 

John heard something from upstairs and moved quickly to see what it was. He moved into Sherlocks room and saw him bent over the toilet with his tooth brush half down his throat.

"Sherlock stop." He said softly but with enough force to let Sherlock know he meant it.

If Sherlock hadn't felt ashamed before he did now. He was angry at him self for not noticing John was coming down and angry for being caught. He reached and sat the tooth brush back on the sink and slumped down against the toilet. John placed what was supposed to be a comforting hand on Sherlock shoulder but the detective shook it off. 

"Hey, it's alright" John sank down to his knees beside Sherlock and brought him into his chest. "I'm not mad."

"Why?"

"Why am I not mad?"

Sherlock nodded.

"Why would I be mad at you, I just want to help you." He squeezed him a bit tighter. " do you want to be alone?" 

He shook his head and whimpered "no"

"Alright, let's go to the sofa yeah?"

They got off the floor and Sherlock quickly brushed his teeth and then followed john to the living room. John laid down on the sofa and held his arms out. 

The detective placed himself with his back to Johns chest and waited to an arm to be draped over him. 

John was asleep within 20 minutes but Sherlock never did fall asleep. He waited and waited until morning and finally John woke up.

" did you ever sleep"

"No"

John ran his fingers though the dark curls and gently kissed the back of his head. "You alright"

"I don't need your pity John."

"I'm not pitying you, I just care"

"You didn't a month ago"

"Yes I did, I was just in denial"

No response.

"Get up, help me fix breakfast."

"Not hungry."

"Don't care, help me fix it."

Reluctantly Sherlock budged from the sofa and sluggishly walked to the kitchen and handed John things from the fridge. 

John fixed an ordinary small breakfast with eggs,some hash browns, and fruit. They say across from each other and John held his fork out to Sherlock with a bite of egg on it. " please?"

Sherlock shook his head and took another sip of his tea.

" can we talk about it?"

"What is their to talk about, you obviously know what's going on"

" I want to hear it from you" 

" I just think I need to lose weight"

" Sherlock I can see every bone in your body."

"Bullshit"

"No it's not. I can."

Sherlock sighed and then moved to get up from the table.

"No, stay here, we are going to talk about this sooner or later"

"WHY THE HELL DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WHEN MYCROFT ALREADY TOLD YOU THE WHOLE BLOODY STORY!"

"How'd you know that?"

" I'm Sherlock I know things!"

"God damnit I'm just trying to help you!"

Sherlock laughed sarcastically, " no you don't! You just want to feel more special than everyone else, you want to think I care about you, but guess what John I don't! You mean nothing to me! Your nothing but a run down soldier with an addiction to adrenaline and using me for your fix!"

Hurt came over Johns face and he look down at the table. " I'll go then. I'm sorry I'm such an inconvenience."

Sherlock quickly realized what he said, " John, don't. I-"

"No Sherlock, you did. I'll be out by this evening."

John moved up stairs and started packing things, Sherlock just continued to stand in the kitchen with a blank look on his face. Wondering what the hell he had done. And if John was really going to leave. 

John moved down the steps and past Sherlock. 

"John"

"I don't know if I'll be back for the rest of my stuff today or not." He shot angrily 

"That wasn't what I was going to say, John I'm-"

"I don't want to hear it"

Sherlock grabbed johns shoulder and griped it tightly.

"Ow, Sherlock let go."

"No, not until you listen to me"

"I've heard enough from you this morning thanks"

"Did it ever occur to you that it upsets me to talk about it!"

"Did it ever occur to you that what you said hurt me!"

"Yes! I'm trying to apologize it but you aren't letting me!"

The shorter man opened his mouth to say something but quickly shut it and look at Sherlock as if saying 'go on'

"John, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said what I did. It was wrong and way out of line. I didn't mean it. I-I was angry because, John it really hurts to remember everything and-"

A single tear had fallen from sherlocks eye and John moved to wipe it away and Sherlock all but screamed and shied away "What?! What did I do?"

"I thought you were going to hit me"

Johns heart shattered " my god, Sherlock I promise I would never hit you. Come here" he moved toward the scared man before and wrapped him up in his arms. 

"Don't leave"

"I won't, ever"

The taller man moved away and wiped the tears off his face and apologized quickly

John dismissed the apology and took his stuff back upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings! I hope you all are enjoying this story! I love writing it, please comment and let me know what you think about it! Comments are like crack to me!


	6. Chapter 6

While John placed his stuff back into his room Sherlock called and made reservations at Angelo's and hung up before John came back down. 

" busy tonight?" Sherlock asked 

"No, don't think so why?"

"Just curious."

"I've gotta go alright"

"What, why?"

" Work Sherlock. Some of us have regular jobs."

The detective nodded and got up to hug John before he left.

"Mm what was that for?"

" isn't that what people do? Hug to say goodbye?"

"Suppose so, I just didn't expect it from you" John felt Sherlock tense "doesn't mean I don't like it though" the lanky man pressed against him relaxed.

"Sherl, I gotta go, I'll be late"

He let go " don't call me that"

"We'll see. Don't explode the flat!" John called running down the steps and out the door.

***********************************************

 

John returned to the flat at 6:07 and Sherlock informed him he needed to get ready and dressed. 

"What am I dressing for?"

"Dinner" 

"Dinner?"

"You know i hate repeating myself "

"What should I wear? What kind of dinner?"

"Angelo's"

" alright"

John moved to his room and put on a red button down and khakis. 

In the room below Sherlock paced, throwing different shirts all over the room trying to decide what to wear. He officially felt like a 15 year old girl about to go on her first date. He finally decided on a royal blue silk button down and put his normal suit jacket over it. 

When he came out from his bed room John was already down and sitting on the couch but quickly stood.

"You look nice" Sherlock said blushing.

A quick smile swept over johns face " thank you, so do you."

The tall man looked down trying to hide the blush. "Ready?"

"Yep"

They moved out the door and hailed a cab and soon arrived at Angelo's.  
Sherlock held the door for John and was quickly thanked and escorted by the waitress to their usual table.

"Sherlock! John! How are you?" Angelo said upon arriving to their table. 

They answered fine and placed their order. John ordered chicken Parmesan and Sherlock ordered shrimp Alfredo. 

"Almost forgot the candle!" Angelo said coming near them holding a small flame. 

They finished their meal, sherlock eating all but a few bites. This made John smile and reach under the table to squeeze his knee. 

They walked out side and stood for a moment before either of them spoke. It was John who broke the silence, " thank you for tonight"

"You deserve it."

"Whys that?"

"You put up with me" sherlock said smiling.

" I enjoy it. Never bored." He laughed.

" I envy you for that. Cab or walk home?"

"I'm fine to walk, you?"

"'S fine"

They began walking to Baker Street when John shivered and Sherlock quickly took off his coat and wrapped it over Johns shoulders.

"Sherlock, that's alright"

" you did it for me once, consider it a re payment and a sign of affection"

This made John smile, remembering that first day at the park. "Thanks"

When they reached 221b they went up stairs and hung up their scarves and jacket. 

"John?"

The shorter man turned to look at Sherlock but was met with a gentle hand at the side of his face and pulled into a kiss. When he realized what was happening he wrapped an arm around sherlock a small waist and kissed back. They continued like this for what felt like hours and seconds at the same time. It was the best kiss either of them had ever received. When they finally pulled apart they just looked at each other. 

" John, I can't promise you a perfect and easy or even a halfway normal relationship but I swear I will try my hardest to make it work. I've never been as happy as when I am with you. I wouldn't trade a moment with you for anything, not even the greatest murder if it meant I couldn't solve it with you."

John was speechless and leaned up on his tip toes and pulled Sherlock into another kiss, " I don't want a perfect, easy, or normal relationship.i just want one with you. I know things will be difficult sometimes, and that's okay. I will never push you to do anything you don't want to. Promise me something yeah?" Sherlock nodded " never push yourself to do something you're uncomfortable with."

"Okay. Thank you John"

"For what, love?"

Sherlocks breath hitched at the pet name " I don't know, I suppose It just felt like the right thing to say"

 

" we should go up stairs"

"What, oh, um John I don't know if I'm rea-"

"Not like that, I mean just, ah, get out of mrs Hudson's doorway."

"Oh, right."

" sorry, should have clarified that"

They moved upstairs and watched doctor who for a bit. John leaning in the corner of the sofa with Sherlocks head in his lap.

"John"

"Hmmm"

" can you please play with my hair"

John smiled fondly at the man resting in his lap. " of course"

"Sorry"

"Why are you apologizing?"

" it's a stupid thing to ask"

"No it's not, hey, don't be afraid to ask me for anything, Kay?"

Sherlock nodded and the feeling definitely had an effect on a certain part of Johns anatomy. He tried to ignore it but it was very persistent. He was sure Sherlock had noticed but if he did he didn't say anything, and for that John was grateful. 

"I'm going to bed, try and get some sleep." He said leaning down to kiss the man before him. 

"Stay"

"I have work in the morning"

"Just a few more minutes, please?"

John sighed and readjusted himself and went back to playing with Sherlocks hair.

He waited 10 minutes before leaning down and kissing him again " I need to go"

"Fine" Sherlock replied as he sat up proceeded to straddle johns hips.

"Sherlock"

"John"

"What are you doing"

" I thought it was obvious, I'm sitting on you"

"Yes but why" 

Sherlock kissed him deeply. One hand behind johns head and the other feeling up and down his chest. 

"Mm Sherlock, I really do need to shower and go to bed"

" goodnight" one more kiss and Sherlock was off. John now with a raging hard erection walked as normally as he could to the bathroom before stripping off and showering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings! I hope you all are enjoying this story! I love writing it, please comment and let me know what you think about it! Comments are like crack to me!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post another chapter. I appreciate every single one of you who reads my story. I can not believe it has over 1,000 hits, I would have never expected that. Thank you all so much.

Sherlock went to bed that night happier than he could ever remember being. John wanted him, even with all of his flaws. He was the only person he had ever met who would put up with his sulking and not be mad at him on a regular basis. In one word Sherlock felt loved. That night Sherlock fell asleep with a smile on his face.

***********************************************

When morning came there was a text from Lestrade waiting on Sherlocks phone. Apparently there had been a reported disappearance, and since the workers in the Yard can't seem to do their job, he was needed.

"Morning" John said as he saw Sherlock emerge from the hallway and into the kitchen.

Sherlock didn't replay but leaned down to kiss John instead.

"Why are you dressed?"

"Lestrade texted, missing person, I'm of course needed." 

"I have to work so I can't go, be careful okay?"

"I'll try" he said moving to leave. He grabbed his coat and gave John another quick peck and left. 

***********************************************

It was one of those days that John only had to work half a day but it felt like he had been at the surgery a week. When he left he texted Sherlock and asked where he was and went to the address sent.

When the doctor walked past the police tape Sally was the first to greet him. 

"Come for the freak?"  
"Nope, I came for Sherlock not you." He said as he kept walking.

"Greg!" He shouted when he saw the DI.

"Hey John, how are you?"

" can't complain, you?"

"Fine. Sherlocks inside, not sure where at the moment though."

"Alright, pub tonight?"

"Sure, my wife and I are off again so I could use something to do"

"Sorry about that. Hope things work out."

Greg shrugged and motioned Sherlock over with his hand when he came into view. 

"Off early?" The detective asked 

John nodded." Who is missing and why?"

"Ah, she seems to be kidnaped although I don't seem to have caught her name. Grant what was it?"

It had been decided a long time ago that Lestrade decided not to correct Sherlock when he messed up his name. " her name was Emily Trevor"

Shock seemed to come over Sherlocks face. " I'm done with this case."

"What? You solved it?!"

"No. I mean I don't want to work on it anymore."

"Why not? Your always eager to get a case"

"Not this one. I don't want any of her relatives to know I ever looked at this. I mean it Lestrade, my name is never mentioned in the context of this crime scene ever." With that Sherlock moved quick to leave and get a cab, John had to run to catch up with him. 

"Sherlock!"

"What?"

"Where are you going?!"

"Home"

"Can you wait." Sherlock stopped at a stand still and waited for John before moving again.

John pulled him behind a building and reached out to place his hand on the right side of Sherlocks waist.   
"Hey, what's wrong"

"Please don't touch me right now"

John moved his hand as quick as if Sherlocks waist had been a hot stove. "Sorry, what's wrong"

"Nothing" Sherlock was calm, unlike a few moments ago.

"Something was obviously wrong"

"I'm fine. Let's go home."

" have you eaten today"

"No"

"Let's go have lunch then, I'll buy"

" I'm not hungry"

" you need to eat today"

"John, please don't. Not today"

" Tell me what's wrong"

Sherlock rolled his eyes and went to hail a cab.

"Freak!"

"What do you want Sally"

" 's not me, the victims brother wanted to speak to you."

Sherlocks breath hitched and he went into a silent panic. "I'm not Interested, good day."

"You need to speak with him considering you just invaded the place where his sister disappeared."

" I have nothing to say to him."

"You don't even bloody know him"

Sherlock managed to get a cabs attention and quickly got in, leaving both John and Sally behind him.

"What's wrong with him?"

"I was wondering the same thing"

"Well I have to get back, good luck calming down the freak"

John sighed in frustration and began looking for a cab.

***********************************************

John came home to a silent flat. Sherlock wasn't in the kitchen or the living room, that only left the bedrooms and bathroom. 

"Sherlock!" John called throughout the flat. 

He looked in his room and then Sherlocks room. He heard the shower switch on. He knocked on the door " Sherlock, you alright?"

"Fine"

"What are you doing"

"What do you think"

" showering?"

"Brilliant John you should take over my job."

He could practically see Sherlock rolling his eyes as he said it.

"Wrap a towel around you I'm coming in"

"No"

"Why not?"

"I'm in the shower, naked"

"I need my phone, I left it in there." It wasn't a total lie, he had left his phone... charger. 

He heard a thump and got no response from the detective that was allegedly in the shower. He picked the lock and saw Sherlock laying in the bath, he had fallen and cut his head, blood tainted the water and even though John had seen enough blood and injury for a life time, the sight of his bleeding unconscious flatmate disturbed him. He brushed away those thoughts and lifted Sherlock so that he sat up against the back of the tub.

"Sherlock, love. I need you to wake up"

Nothing.

"Sherlock." 

The detectives wet curls moved slowly as he came to. 

"You're alright. You just fell. Nothing serious, just a cut or two, head injuries bleed a lot."

Sherlock was drowsy and couldn't do much besides nod at what John was saying. 

John lifter Sherlock out of the bath and took him to his room. 

"I'll be back with a towel okay?"

Sherlock nodded. he was still naked and freaking out on the inside, but his body didn't have to strength to show it on the outside. 

John came back with 2 purple towels and smiled " they're warm, mrs Hudson just brought them up."

John began to dry Sherlock off, starting with his hair and moving down. When he reached Sherlocks arms he realized that there probably hundrents of cuts, some healed and scared over, some new, and some healing. 

"Sherlock"

The man below him refused to look at him. "Please leave. I can finish by my self thanks, this has been embarrassing enough."

" I need to help you, you're not stable enough right now"

"Leave, you will anyway"

"Why do you think I'm going to leave?"

"Everyone always does"

" I thought we had established I'm not everyone."

" I can't give you what you want John"

" Sherlock I don't want anything right now, I want to get you dressed and make sure you don't have a concision."

John moved back to drying him but decided against running the towel over his penis and proceeded to dress him. He saw all the marks on Sherlocks legs and inner thighs.

"Stop"

"Stop what?"

"Staring, it makes me uncomfortable"

"Sorry."

When he finished drying and dressing him he laid down next to him and ran his fingers through Sherlocks hair.

"Are you going to send me to a mental ward now?"

"No"

"Tell Mycroft?"

"No"

"Then what?"

"Try my best to help you"

" I shouldn't be a problem you have to deal with John" 

" your not a problem. Will you tell me why you dropped the case?"

"Emily Trevor" Sherlock sighed, " I know her family"

"Family friends"

"God no"

"Enemies then?"

"Yes"

" I might as well tell you, you will find out one way or another."

"Tell me what"

"Her brother, the one that wanted to speak to me, is Victor Trevor"

John was quiet a minute, was this the Victor Mycroft spoke of that day? 

John sighed and tipped Sherlocks chin up to look at him " the Victor tha-"

"Yes. That Victor." A tear hit the pillow case and John reached out to pull Sherlock close.

They laid there for minutes just cuddling as John tried to comfort him.

" I won't let him hurt you, I promise. I won't let him near you"

Sherlock nodded and placed a closed mouth kiss to johns chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings! I hope you all are enjoying this story! I love writing it, please comment and let me know what you think about it! Comments are like crack to me!


	8. Chapter 8

" you should be stable now, you have rested and the bleeding stopped a while ago, want to come to tesco with me?"

"Why? I never do the shopping?"

" didn't think you would want to be alone"

"Good point" Sherlock sighed and got up from the bed and went to get dressed. 

When he came out and got his coat he thanked John for caring for him and not leaving.

**********************************************

Sherlock managed not to complain through most of the trip. John stopped in the medicine aisle to get some pain killers for his shoulder and Sherlocks head. He found them and was ready to move when he looked over at Sherlock and saw him holding a pack of condoms and looking at them.

John couldn't help but smile. " grab them if you want them and let's go, we have frozens."

Sherlock blushed furiously and put them back on the shelf.

" don't want them?"

"Shut up"

John laughed "I'm being serious, you want them?"

" don't need them, why would I buy them"

" I don't know, you just seemed interested"

"Sex interests me. I hate it, but it's still intriguing"

" you might not hate it if-"

" john, despite what everyone thinks, I have had sex."

" that wasn't sex Sherlock. I mean technically it was, but that isn't how it's supposed to be"

"Doesn't matter, I'm never having sex again. Sorry, you'll leave in approximately 3 months"

"Why would I leave"

" your a very sexual man John. You want that in a relationship, I can't give that to you. You will grow tired of pornography and your hand and break it off"

" could you please get it out of your head that I am going to leave you, Sherlock Holmes I am not going to leave you. I don't care if we never have sex, I'm not with you because I want to have sex, I'm with you because I love you and everything you are" as soon as those 3 words came out he wished he could take it back. It wasn't that he didn't love Sherlock because he did, but they hadn't been together long and John didn't want to rush it.

" you love me?" 

"Yes but I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that -"

Sherlock cut him off with a kiss " i love you too"

" really?"

Sherlock nodded "let's go home"


	9. Chapter 9

It was their 1 month anniversary, they had agreed on no gifts but Sherlock still wanted to do something special because he knew it would please John. 

He fixed chicken piccata and had it ready just before John arrived. When he heard their door open he quickly went down the steps to greet John. He kissed him and said happy anniversary against his lips. The shorter man smiled and said the same.

"Did you cook" 

"Yes I made chicken piccata, hungry?"

"Starving, let me change out of my work clothes and I'll come join you. You are eating right?"

"Yes"

"Good" he pecked his cheek and went upstairs.

They were almost finished with their meal. John had eaten all of his an Sherlock only had a few bites left of his. 

" I didn't know you could cook"

" I can't, mrs Hudson helped"

They both giggled and helped the other clean up the dishes before retreating to the couch. They originally planned to watch Americas most wanted but Sherlock had something else on his mind, and that something else was John. Within the first 10 minutes of the show Sherlock started pressing kisses to John neck and cheek before turning him around and laying him on the couch. Sherlock was absolutely leaving no piece of his neck un-kissed. John couldn't help but let out a moan and a couple breathily whimpers. John was perfectly fine with this until Sherlock started trying to remove his jumper.

"Sherlock, are you sure about this?"

" yes" another kiss to Johns neck

He let Sherlock remove the jumper and kiss across his chest. 

"May I?" He asked pulling at Sherlocks button down. There was slight hesitation but the detective nodded.

Sherlock shirt fell off and the beautiful ivory skin was revealed. " god your so beautiful"

"Thank you"

John switched their positions so Sherlock was on his back. He placed kissed all over Sherlock torso. Over each one of his visible ribs and protruding hip bones. " I love you so much"

"And i love you" Sherlock was getting tense as John moved down and it was noticeable. He removed himself from Sherlocks torso and moved back up to kiss him. 

" you alright? Want to stop?"

"Please, I'm sorry"

"No don't apologize, you can't help it. I'm glad you told me rather than letting me go further and making you uncomfortable. You did so good baby."

There was an over whelming amount of emotion inside of Sherlock and he couldn't help but to pull John onto his chest and hold him there.

"I meant it you know."

" meant what?" John asked

"That i love you"

" i love you more"

" we are not doing that" Sherlock said " we are not acting like 15 year old love birds"

John laughed fondly "okay"

"None of that either"

"I can't say okay?"

"Not if you're going to want me to reply okay In return, like that book about a mistake in the stars and everyone in it is dying"

"The fault in our stars?"

"Yes"

"I didn't plan on my okay coming across like that" 

"John"

"Sherlock"

"I love you "

"I love you too" 

Sherlock squeezed him tighter placed a kiss to the top of his hair.

**********************************************

A few weeks passed when John got a random text from Mycroft that simply read "danger night" there had only been one other time that John and Mycroft had spoken of Sherlocks so called ' danger nights' Mycroft originally told him that they were times he would have a stronger feeling than usual to use drugs, but John new they now referred to more than the drugs, it applied to the irregular eating and the self harm methods as well. 

John took a deep breath and walked down the steps.

"Love"

"Hmm"

"Good morning"

"Morning?"

"What?"

"You never put 'good' In front of morning when you great me."

"Maybe I'm just having a good morning" John said leaning over to kiss Sherlock but lost his balance and fell half on the floor half on Sherlocks lap.

"What is wrong with you John"

"Nothing, can't I be in a good mood"

Sherlock said nothing but just kept reading his book.   
"Breakfast?"  
"No"  
There was a sign, it had been a while since he turned down breakfast when John made it.  
" I'm making French toast, please?"  
"No, I just don't want breakfast today"  
"Fine"

John laid his head back in Sherlocks lap and nuzzled into Sherlock dressing gown. The man above him gave him an odd look but quickly returned to his book.

The moment John started pressing kisses to his bare skin Sherlock put down his book and pulled John up to kiss him properly.

"Are you horny"

John laughed " that's a bold question. No not really though, you?"

"Never. You act like you are"

"I'm not, let's go get breakfast then"

"John why are you so insistent on me eating this morning"

" because I want breakfast and I want to share it with the person" kiss "I " kiss "love" kiss.

" i love you too but god your acting weird. Go on make French toast."

"You will eat it?"

"Yes"

"And keep it down" 

"Yes John"

John made breakfast and sure enough Sherlock ate. 

"I'm really proud of you, ya know."

"For eating?"

"Yes, I know it's not easy for you to but your doing so well."

"I've almost gained half a stone, I hate myself more everyday for it"

"Don't hate yourself for it. You look even more handsome than you did when we started dating"

" thanks, I think."

***********************************************

John assumed Mycroft was wrong about tonight being a danger night because Sherlock had been in a good mood all day. 

"I'm going to the pub with Greg for a bit will you be alright?"

"who is Greg?"

"Lestrade, Sherlock" 

"Oh okay. Yeah I'll be fine, don't get drunk you know I hate it when you are"

"I won't" John came over and kissed him and left.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

When John left Sherlock let every ounce of pain, hurt, shame, and regret wash over him. Tonight 8 years ago was the night Sherlock was raped. He sat there on the sofa and cried. He was trying not to do anything to harm himself because it would upset John but eventually he didn't care. He ran to the bathroom and purged before grabbing the razor he had hidden, removed his shirt and began cutting his arms and shoulders. It wasn't enough. He had to go deeper. 

 

Blood was all over the once white tiles. The place looked like many murder scenes he had worked on. He was drifting in and out of consciousness and knew this was not how John should find him. But he couldn't move. He picked up his phone and called John.

"Sherlock"

"John" he was still crying, " please come home. I need you."

John was already putting on his coat. " what's wrong? Sherlock! Listen I need you to stay on the phone."

"Trying"

" can you tell me whats happened?" 

The line went dead and John ran out to get a cab. He paid extra to get there quicker. When he arrived at 221b he threw money at the cab and ran up the steps. 

"SHERLOCK!"

No reply.

John ran to the bathroom and saw his lover laying on the floor, blood everywhere but not sure where the source of it was. He crouched down and sat Sherlock up against the wall, his curled matted with blood.

"Sherlock, where did you cut?! I need to know where to apply pressure?"

Sherlock looked to his left arm and John picked it up, wrapping cloth around it. While he held pressure he used a warm rag to try and clean him up.

"Sherlock, god the bleeding isn't lightening up I need to call the paramedics. I'm so sorry"

"Don't you dare call them" Sherlock was yelling with what little strength he had.

"I have to! I'm sorry"

" call Mycroft, not A&E"

Calling mycroft hadn't even crossed Johns mind. He was worried that he would be pissed at him for leaving Sherlock alone but that wasn't the concern right now.

"Mycroft! Look I need you to send medically trained people or something, you were right it was a danger night I'm so sorry I left him"

"John, drive him to the hospital. I'll have people waiting, how bad is it?"

"He lost a lot of blood and it's still coming. I gotta go be there soon"

He ran to Sherlocks side and lifted him up, the only time Sherlock being so light came in handy. There was a car waiting and he placed him in.

"John"

"Shh, don't talk you need to keep your strength." He leaned down and kissed his forehead " god I'm so sorry I left you."

"It's not your fault."

Sherlocks eyes closed but would re open periodically.

They got there and Sherlock was rushed through the halls with John on the paramedics heals, but a door was slammed in his face and he knew he had to stay out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what you think and what you would like to see happen In the story! Thank you so much to everyone reading this story! 
> 
> I'm also thinking of doing one shots...would you all like that? Please let me know! Hope you have a wonderful day!


	10. Chapter 10

Hours passed and not once did John leave the small waiting room. Mycroft had left an hour after being there so he was alone. Leastrade came in and sat down next to him.

"How is he?"

"Don't know. They won't tell me anything"

"I'm sure he'll be alright. At least I hope so"

John nodded

"You gonna be okay? I just thought I would stop in before heading to work."

"What time is it?"

"It's 8:30 mate, have you been here since they put him in?"

"Yeah, I didn't know it had been all night."

"God john, that's not healthy go home and get some sleep"

"No I should be here when he wa-"

"Sherlock Holmes" a nurse in a pastel green scrub set called

John stood and walked over.

"He is asking for you"

The doctor took a deep breath and followed where the nurse took him. When he walked through the door he saw Sherlock propped up on the bed. IVs hooked up to him and heavy bandages around his left arm.

"Hey"

Sherlock looked over and gave john a feint smile. 

"How are you feeling"

"Physically, fine"

"What about internally"

He just shrugged. 

"I'm so sorry i left you"

"It's not your fault john, I would have found a way to do it anyway."

"Why, why did you do it?"

"Deserved it"

"Bloody hell sherlock" John raised his voice a bit "you certainly did not deserve it. Why was it a danger night and why did mycroft know about it?"

"It was 8 years ago last night"

John realized what he menu and nodded his head in understanding. "Why didn't you tell me, you knew I was worried anyway."

"Didn't want to upset you."

John took sherlocks right hand and gave it a light squeeze, " please come to me next time"

The detective nodded and let out a long breath "how long have you been here?"

"Since you were admitted"

"You should go home and sleep."

"Can't"

"What?"

"I can't sleep at home knowing your here."

"Then lay here, with me"

"Are you sure?"

"I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't"Sherlock moved back the thin hospital blankets. John got out of the chair and climbed in next to Sherlock being cautious not to wrap his arms around him or touch him in anyway that would make him uncomfortable. He thought since the remembrance of victor was so strong right now that he shouldn't touch him.

Sherlock wrapped his right arm around john and pulled him close. "Please don't do this."

"Do what?"

"Treat me like I'm broken. Even though I may be and only to you would I admit it, but I don't want you to treat me any different than you usually do."

"Okay, I'm sorry"

" 's fine"

***********************************************

John had been in a peaceful sleep for about two hours when Mycroft came in.

"Wake him and I will destroy you" Sherlock muttered before mycroft could even get a word out.

"I had no intention of waking him brother mine. I'm sure he needs the rest. He hadn't left once. You scared him sherlock"

" I know"

"So I know you haven't told anyone but of course I know, relationship life treating you well?"

"Yes, maybe you should consider trying to be decent enough to engauage in a relationship."

Mycroft laughed a little too loud and john stirred. Sherlock sent him a death stare. " oh brother, you aren't 'decent enough to have a relationship' you just got lucky"

"I don't believe in luck"

"I'll be going. Try to behave"

Sherlock rolled his eyes as mycroft left the room and john stirred in his arms.

"Why was he here?" 

"I'm going to kill him for waking you up" 

"It's alright I was going to wake up pretty soon anyway"

" John"

"Hmm"

"Are you hungry, I suppose a little bit. You?"

"Yes and no"

"I'll go get some food from the cafeteria and-"

"Ew no, mrs Hudson is on her way over ill have her bring Indian if that's good with you?"

"Yeah that's fine"

Mrs Hudson arrived within the hour and immediately showered Sherlock with unwanted light hugs, kisses to his hair and face, and an outrageous amount of "oh Sherlock, what have you done to your self" and " my poor baby"

John couldn't help but smirk at the irritated look Sherlock had while she continued to flutter around him like a fly.

After a while of her being there and simply talking to him john noticed Sherlock was becoming tired and quite annoyed. He loved ms.Hudson dearly but this moment wasn't the best to hear stories about her and the late mr.hudson.

 

"Ms.Hudson? Why don't I walk you to the lobby and call you a cab?"

"Alright" she leaned over and kissed sherlocks curls once more "take care of yourself love"

Sherlock stayed silent for a moment but when ms.hudson turned away he reached out and gently took her hand and pulled her into a hug and whispered very lowly "i love you "

"I know dear, i love you too"

When she moved away sherlock looked overwhelmed and closed his eyes. John walked her out, " ah, maybe none of my business but Sherlock told you he loved you."

"Yes"

"He doesn't say that. To anyone not even his parents"

"He says it to you" John looked questioningly at her " I live downstairs I hear things. Sherlock is a sweet boy, John. You know that, he hasn't had an easy life and I'm sure you know that as well"

"How did you all meet? I mean no offense but why does he care about you so much?"

Ms Hudson smiled fondly, " sit down, it won't take long but my hip is killing me" they took a seat on a bench and waited for a cab to pass " I met Sherlock for the first time when he was in uni, when he was still with Victor. He showed up on my doorstep one night, scared, with cuts and bruises all over him. I had no idea who he was or why he was here but he was kind enough to make me trust him, he eventually opened up to me. I was the first person to know about the abuse and all he went through, I knew about the eating disorder, the cutting all of it. I told him he could live in 221b and I would help pay rent until he got a steady job, he claimed money wasn't the problem but I still wanted to help more. I suppose he just became fond of me because I didn't judge him, or treat him like he was broken. Sherlock is strong john, stronger than he lets on."

"He mentioned to me not to treat him like he was broken"

" it will only make him less likely to open up to you. I gotta head home. If you boys need anything call me"

"Thanks ms.Hudson, your a dear"

She smiled and walked out of the lobby and to a cab Mycroft had waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I've had a horrible week. Please let me know how you all like the story.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Please comment and let me know if you like the story and if you would like me to start writing one shots!

John walked sluggishly back to sherlocks hospital room. When he approached the door he could hear Sherlock arguing with a nurse and decided he should make himself present.

"Sherlock, everything alright?"

"Fine except this hospital is full of idots"

He sighed and gave and apologetic look to the nurse " when will he be able to go home"

"Tomorrow, if he stops messing with his IV and would corporate" she said scowling " If not we are stuck with him for anther day"

"I'm a doctor, I can care for him to an extent if that would help his release"

"Your a doctor?"

"Yes, John Watson, I work just a few blocks away and occasionally come here for specific patients."

"I thought I had seen you somewhere" she smiled and held out her hand " I'm Amy" John shook her hand and nodded. 

" well I'm done for now. If you need anything John just ring. Oh and you too sherlock." She smiled flirtatiously and handed John a small slip of paper.

He looked down and laughed when he saw her number. Sherlock made a growl from his bed, " I want her killed"

"Sherlock you can't just have people killed"

"I could pull it off"

"Maybe so, but she is a nice lady and you should be respectful to her"

"She flirted with you and gave you her number! You're my boyfriend john, seeing how desirable you are to other people isnt exactly appealing to me!"

"You're jealous?"

"No"

John laughed " Sherlock Holmes is jealous" he moved to the left side of the bed and placed a hand on sherlocks head before kissing him deeply. " you're all mine, and I'm all yours. Believe me I don't even have the slightest of interest in her." As if to prove it John took the slip of paper and ripped it into 8 pieces and throwing it in the trash.

00000000000000000000000000000

The night went with ought a hitch. John slept pressed against sherlocks side on the small bed. Waking up next to Sherlock is something John could relive for the rest of his life and never grow tired of it. He admired the feint scent of sherlocks Cologne and a smell that could only be described as simply....Sherlock. He knew he couldn't go back to sleep so he gently moved sherlocks arm from around him and got dressed to head down to the cafeteria. He got 2 cups of coffee and took the lift back upstairs. Sherlock was awake and having his vitals tested by none other than Amy. 

"Where's John"

" at the corner of your a stalker and he's not interested"

John couldn't help but laugh and that caught the eye of both Amy and Sherlock. "Sorry to interrupt, I brought you up some coffee love."

"Thank you John, that was swee-" Amy started but John gave the cup to Sherlock before kissing his forehead.

"Oh, my apologies. I didn't know you all were together. God I feel so stupid, sherlock I didn't know that he was taken and especially not by you. I would have never- if I knew that-"

"Apology accepted. Are you done?" Sherlock shot back, still rude but not quite as harsh."

"Yes, sorry again."

They looked at each other and smiled as John cradled sherlocks head just below his chest. "Thank you, for giving her the hint."

"Anytime. So you can come home now?"

Sherlock nodded " as soon as mycroft comes over to sign papers."

"Why does he need to sign papers? They never do that for a release when you already have someone to care for you?"

"Suicide watch, it's the only way mycroft could work out for them not to send me to a rehab center. So he Has to sign me out, and we also have will be having a fucking therapist visit us twice a week to 'help' me" by this time Sherlock was quickly growing angry. John took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Sweetheart, it's okay. We can deal with this, I'll be here for you through all of it. It's going to be okay."

 

Sherlocks heart fluttered at the pet name, "I hate it John" 

 

"Hate what love?" John brought Sherlock knuckles to his lips.

"Me.everythig about me. God John, I'm so sorry for all the shit I put you through. Not just the past month either I mean for everything, the 2 years I left you, the day I met you, god damnit I'm so fucking sorry." Sherlock was actually sobbing.

"Sherlock, yes you piss me off sometimes but I wouldn't trade meeting you for anything in the world." 

The sobbing man said nothing. 

"Come on love, mycroft will be here soon. We can talk at home."

"John, when we get home can we talk about something different when we get home."

"Whatever you want."

"Sex" Sherlock stuttered.

"What?"

" I would like to discuss sex when we get home."

"Ah, alright. That's um fine I suppose."

Mycroft arrived within the hour and signed the required papers. 

"Your therapist will come on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You WILL speak with her Sherlock. If you want to stay with John you will behave." Mycroft spat with a fake smile.

"Don't use me to get him to do things." John took sherlocks hand as they walked out the automatic doors and to a car.

"Evening brother mine, doctor Watson."

000000000000000000000000000

Upon arrive home sherlock headed to the bathroom. 

"Where are you going?"

"Shower, I smell like hospital."

"You can't get the bandages wet. You can only take baths."

"Fuck baths."

"Want help?" John asked shyly not knowing how Sherlock would respond.

"I'll wait until closer to bed."

"Alright."

"What do you want for dinner?" John sat In his armchair across from Sherlock who plopped down on the couch.

"You're going to make me eat aren't you?"

"I most certainly am. Sherlock we need to try to get you healthier."

"Fine. My stomach has been upset because of that so called hospital coffee. Can we just cave popcorn and maybe fruit?"

John nodded and smiled, " wanna put on a film while we eat?"

"No, I would rather talk."

John tensed remembering what Sherlock said he wanted to talk about at the hospital. "About sex?"

"Yes"

"What exactly do you want to discuss about it?"

"You're uncomfortable."

"Yeah a bit, it's just- i thought you would never want it."

"I don't. Not particularly, but you want it and if it would please you I want to try."

"Sherlock I'm not going to let you make yourself uncomfortable and upset to please me."

 

"I'll tell you if I want to stop."

"No you won't, you will push yourself until you think I'm happy. I'll be nervous to, I mean Sherlock we shouldn't just decide to do it on a certain day, we should wait until we are both comfortable and in the mood for it."

" I promise I'll tell you."

"We will see about it okay?"

"Fine. I'm going to change."

"Alright you can take the bandage off, I'll have to re-wrap it anyway."

Sherlock nodded and left.

He striped infront of his mirror and tried not to look. He put on loose pants and his favorite blue dressing gown. When he removed the bandage he understood why all the fuss was made. The cuts were deep and some had to be stitched over. Their was some that would still bleed at friction and touch, but not enough to cause any damage. And god did they itch like hell. He knew he couldn't touch them though, and that he should see his doctor if anything was wrong.

"John!" He yelled and heard John run down the hall.

"What? Are you okay?!" He looked panicked. 

"Fine except these things itch." 

"Come on, I'll wrap it and give you something to help with the itching."

John took fresh gauze and ointment to apply to sherlocks arm. His eyes turned glassy when looking at them and Sherlock had to turn his head to keep from showing how ashamed he was. 

"I love you." John spoke quietly.

"I love you too." 

John wrapped his arm and stood to place a kiss to his lovers temple. "Let's fix dinner yeah ?"

They popped their popcorn and cut some fruit before sitting at the table and talking, normal things at first and then the topic arose.

"So sex..." Sherlock spoke.

"Right." John sighed feeling awkward. " besides wanting to please me, where are you wanting it to go? Or I guess a better question would be where and how do you want to start?"

"John, I hope to eventually have a average relationship with you. Dates, kissing, meeting each other's families, and sex. I realize my view on the topic was tainted but you and most of the population seem to enjoy it so I really do want to try. I suppose to answer your questions: I know this isn't exactly anything sexual but maybe it's something, I would like you to help me wash before bed."

"We can go as far as your comfortable with and yes I will help you."

0000000000000000000000000000

After dinner and cleaning up Sherlock and John went to the bath and warmed the water. 

"How do you want to do this?" John asked.

" I would prefer if I Could wear my boxers."

"Alright, wanna share why?"

" I'm ashamed."

"Of what?"

"The thing."

"Your cock?"

Sherlock nodded not looking at John. "I've been told it's shameful and best to hide it."

"Sherlock, I saw it the day you hurt your head. Believe me it's nothing to be ashamed of. Every one of your skin cells is absolutely beautiful."

"I guess I won't then."

"Alright. Want me to turn around while you get into the tub?"

"Please."

John faced the wall and waited to hear the water splash as Sherlock into the water. "Good?"

"Yeah."

John sat at the edge of the tub and bent to kiss Sherlock, trying not to let his eyes wonder. They had brought a plastic cup to wet and rinse Sherlock hair with. 

" do you have a certain way of washing your hair?"

"Shampoo, rinse, voluminous infusion and de-tangeler, rinse, conditioner, comb through, rinse."

"Of course you would have a long ass list."

"I take pride in my hair,John"

"I know. It always looks perfect."

Sherlock smiled and waited patiently while John went through his routine.

Sherlock washed his own body except his left arm and got out of the tub before quickly wrapping a towel around him. 

"Kay"

They walked to his bed room and John and laid out a pair of boxers and sweat pants.

"You don't sleep with a shirt right?"

"No I don't. Thank you John."

"Alright, good night, sweetheart. I love you.im glad to have you back home." He pushed up to his tip toes and kissed him gently. 

John turned around and Sherlock became confused, " where are you going?"

"To bed?"

"Oh"

"What?"

"I thought since you slept with me in the hospital that maybe you um- never mind sorry. Goodnight."

"Want me to stay?"

Sherlock nodded. And opened his arms to let John burry his head in his bare chest for a moment.

"I only sleep in my pants, is that alright?"

"Fine." Sherlock got into his bed and folded the covers over to allow John in. John pressed another quick kiss to his lips and said goodnight again. 

Minutes passed

 

"John"

"Hmm"

"Would you mind if I moved closer?"

"Wanna cuddle?"

"I don't 'cuddle'"

John laughed lightly, "whatever you say love" he rolled over and put an arm over sherlocks torso and pulled him closer. Sherlock let out a content sigh and smiled against Johns neck. "This is nice" 

"Yeah?"

"Mmmm"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Please comment and let me know if you like the story and if you would like me to start writing one shots!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please comment and let me know how you like the story so far and any suggestions you have!!

When John opened his eyes he was hoping to find his warm boyfriend next to him, but he didn't. He looked over unaware of the time but had speculations it was probably morning and he should get ready for work. The clock blinked 3:54, he sighed to himself and walked to the living room where Sherlock sat on the sofa, legs crossed and picking at the strings on his violin, he looked up when he heard John. 

"Did I wake you?"

"Ah, no. Why aren't you in bed?"

"Couldn't sleep and was restless, didn't want to wake you. If I didn't wake you, why are you awake?"

"Bed was a bit less warm without you there. Mind if I sit with you."

Sherlock shook his head and placed the violin back in its casing. John leaned onto sherlocks shoulder and sighed. "Your arm not itching as much?"

"It's better than it was." He said.

The flat, without either of them speaking, was melancholy and quiet. Not a sound from ms.Hudson downstairs, not even the humming of the heater that normally always buzzed. 

A series of moans and "oh god's" and "fuck yes" came from the wall. Johns mouth quirked into a smile and he chuckled lowly as did Sherlock, until a scream was heard and he flinched. 

"Sherlock, he's alright." John looked up sadly, seeing as how the noise must have reminded the detective of his sexual experiences. 

"I know John" he said breathily. Another sequence of cursing and a final "ah shoot it up me" before the sound of the bed moving quieted and John couldn't help but burst into giggles along with his lover. " I think he is much more than alright, John." This set off another round of laughter.

Ms.hudson emerged from the stairs. "Boys! It is past 4 AM and I am trying to sleep, could you please save whatever was so funny until morning!"

Sherlock rolled his eyes, " are you kidding me?" Ms.Hudson looked confused, "mrs, Turners married ones are screaming sexual phrases at the top of their bloody lungs and you get onto us for having a laugh about it?"

"I most certainly will, Derek and Michael didn't wake me up. You two did! And Sherlock Holmes don't you even try to blame it on them or bring it up to them if you would like them to respect you when you and John make similar noises!"

"They won't have to worry about th-"

"Oh Sherlock," she cooed, " one day darling I promise they will have to worry about it."

John cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable with the topic of their future sex life or lack of one being discussed with their landlady. " ms.Hudson, I am terribly sorry we woke you, won't happen again. Good night." He stood and escorted her to the steps.

He and Sherlock shared a grin before taking up their previous positions on the couch, " well, Sherlock, I doubt I will be able to go back to sleep here, and I really should, seeing as I have work in the morning. Would you come back to bed or would that be excruciatingly boring?"

"Even dull things aren't quite as boring with you John."

"So yes?"

"Yes."

They walked back through the hall and laid down. 

"Big or little? "John asked

"Big or little what, John? You can't just ask me to choose between two things in which I have no idea of the context your talking about. And besides those are both terms that have a wide range of-"

"Sherlock," John cut in sharply, "big or little spoon?" 

"Well, I guess it would depend on what I'm eating, although I hardly understand how this is important John. We aren't eating."

The doctor chuckled fondly, " you've never heard the term spooning?"

"I suppose not."

"I suppose Victor never cuddled or held you close then." John said his name as if it was vial tasting.

"No, John he didn't, even before he became abusive we never 'cuddled' never held hands, never just sat and watched Telly, never complimented one another. It was nothing like you and I, which is good I suppose. Great even."

They both still stood on either side of the bed.

" did you ever want him to? Hold you, cuddle you?"

Sherlock nodded looking down, " he was the first person aside from a few members in my family who I actually loved and who I thought actually loved me. It hurt. It still hurts. Sometimes, well times before I was with you, I even thought about going back to him, and that just maybe he would want me. But that he would want it to be different, not like before, but i passed him one day and realized that I'm completely and utterly scared of him, John I saw him and my stomach dropped, I felt sick."

"Sherlock, words can't tell you how much I wish that never happened to you. Never ever think about going back to him, no matter what. Even if we are fighting or I'm dead or gone on a trip, whatever happens come to me, sit at my grave, have Mycroft fly you half way around the world at your doctors orders, just come to me. Believe me sherlock when I say it makes me sick to even talk about him."

 

Sherlock was quiet for a moment, "I won't let you die, so we have to cross the sitting at grave part out."

John laughed, glad Sherlock wasn't all that down.

"So what's spooning?"

The doctor smiled again, " cuddling position, where your both laying on your side and pressed to one another, the one on the outside is the considered the big spoon, the person on the inside, the little. So big or little?"

"Little."

They assumed respective positions and just enjoyed the feeling of warmth and love that surrounded them.

"I'm going to try and sleep, you should too,love."

 

"Okay, I won't leave. Promise." Sherlock said bringing up John's hand from the arm that was around him to kiss it.

 

00000000000000000000000000000

When John woke the second time it was indeed closer to time to work, he still had 20 minutes before having to get dressed and decided to continue laying with his sleeping boyfriend. He watched him, he looked so peaceful, so beautiful and elegant, In a simple word he looked perfect. In Johns eyes, he was. Sure nothing about his lovers life had been perfect in any sense, but things were perfect to him.

What wasn't perfect was the fact he had morning wood and was still pressed against Sherlock, which only made it worse. He tried to will it away but to no avail. He stayed wrapped around his lover and silently pleaded for him not to notice. 

 

Moments passed and eventually Sherlock began to stir. He lazily rolled over and faced John, slowly opening his eyes before blinking a few times. 

 

"How long have you been awake?" 

John grinned at how beautiful,raspy and deep Sherlock's morning voice was, " not long, did I wake you?"

The detective shook his head before cradling himself into John's neck and inhaling deeply. He furrowed his eyebrows when he noticed something poking his hip, he soon realized what it was and was torn between being uncomfortable and wanting to giggle. 

" if you want to shower before work you should probably go now. While you're in there you might want to take care of that." He said grinning against johns neck.

The man above him cleared his throat uncomfortably, " sorry, it's just-"

"Natural body reaction John, it's fine. No need to be embarrassed, and if your worried about it making me uncomfortable, it doesn't. Human anatomy doesn't bother me in the least bit."

"Right, thanks I guess. I'm going to shower" John said untangling himself from his lover, " if you need anything just yell for me, I should be out in a few minutes."

Sherlock just groaned but let John get up. When he left he couldn't help but notice how empty and cold the bed felt without him. When Sherlock was with John sleeping wasn't difficult or unpleasant, he enjoyed the closeness and how comfortable he felt being around John. Sherlock had never been a physical person, especially not after victor. He would shy away at the slightest brush against him of someone he didn't know. He would fear the person who was angry at him if they made a move that could end with him being touched, even if it wasn't violent. He even would be uncomfortable at times when ms.Hudson refused to stop holding his shoulders or placing a hand on his back while she spoke to him.

He sluggishly moved out of bed and past the bathroom, hearing the shower running. When he came the kitchen he debated making tea for him and John or not. He decided not, simply because he felt like being lazy today.

 

John came downstairs in a rust colored button down and his jacket laid over his arm. 

" will you be okay here by yourself today? I have to fill in, otherwise I wouldn't go."

"I'll be fine."

"Really Sherlock, I need to know. I really hate that I have to leave you day after you come home from the hospital."

"John I'll be fine I promise."

"Promise me a few other things to yeah?" John looked at him while eating some yogurt Sherlock made a sound of agreement and John proceeded, " okay number one, don't do anything that would hurt you. Number 2 eat something this morning, doesn't have to be much, just something and keep it down. Number 3 if you need help doing something please ask ms.Hudson. Number 4 text me at lunch to let me know your alright."

" do you want me to promise to send Mycroft flowers too?" Sherlocks comment didn't come across with anger like it may have sounded, it was just sarcastic.

"It's 4 things sherlock, I know you can handle it. If you want to send Mycroft flowers I'm sure he would appreciate them. Okay I need to go" John dropped a kiss to sherlocks head and made his way down the steps, then left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please comment and let me know how you like the story so far and any suggestions you have!!


	13. Chapter 13

The morning passed being rather uneventful, Sherlock spent most of his time catching up on recording the results of his bacteria garden. 

Johns morning passed the same, kids with upset stomachs, runny noses, and older teens faking to stay out of school. He waited in anticipation for lunch, not only to get away from everyone but to check up on Sherlock to make sure he was okay. He felt awful about leaving him alone. Soon enough 1:30 hit and only minutes after his phone alerted him he had a text 

 

I'm not dead-SH

Good, did you eat?- JW

yes- SH

What did you eat?- JW

I had toast and some fruit. Also some tea.- SH

Are you doing alright or should I come home early?- JW

I'm terribly bored, and would rather be with you, but you can't really come home for that reason, so I yes I'm fine.- SH 

As he was about to respond a call came in over johns pager that his lunch had to end early. A little boy, 6 years old was having difficulty breathing. After a few listens to his lungs and hearing what was wrong John sent him over to the hospital. He had developed pneumonia and needed treatment. 

"Doctor Watson?" His assistant Janice said coming through the door 

He looked up but made no noise. 

 

"Someone is here to see you."

"Send them in." He said with a long sigh. Today had seemed to last forever and his tiredness was catching up to him. The person walked into his office. John was looking down writing, " please have a seat." The person didn't have a seat though they walked over behind his desk and pecked his cheek, he looked up in shock before noticing the person was Sherlock. 

"Not that I'm not happy to see you but why are you here?"

"I told you, I was bored and you can't leave work, so I came here. Although it's not as intresting as I thought It would be."

John laughed, " you can't stay when patients are in here."

"Why? They wouldn't know."

"Privacy reasons dear."

"Privacy is stupid."

"I get off in 2 hours, I suppose you can stay until then as long as you don't disturb anything or anyone "

"When do I ever do that?"Sherlock shot back sarcastically.

"Never love, never."

*****************************************

The time passes faster with Sherlock there to keep him company and soon enough 4 o'clock came.

"Wanna go eat and maybe pick up a film on the way home?"

Sherlock waved his hand in an ' it doesn't matter' motion. 

"Okay, Angelos?" 

"'s fine."

After seated at their normal table Angelo came out, " ah my boys! Sherlock I heard you were in the hospital! What happened? You alright now, no?"

" just got a little hurt, nothing to worry about."

"You should be more careful, London would collapse without you, so would a certain doctor I know." Angelo smiled fondly and Johns cheeks peaked red. "Alright, I'll leave you alone. Usual?"

They nodded and watched him disappear into the kitchen.

 

"He's right." John spoke abruptly

"You would be okay without me John. You did it before, sorry for that again."

"No, it would be different Sherlock, the loss of you would destroy me."

"Yours too John. "

********************************

They moved back into the living room and John helped Sherlock change his bandages. " they are looking better. Healing at least." John looked over sherlocks ivory arm that was scattered with long stripes varying in color. When John finished tying off the bandage he looked up and the side of his face was caught in Sherlock's hand as he pulled him in to kiss him. The Kiss was gentle at first but now it grew more passionate. Sherlock had moved John onto his back laying on the sofa and running his hand over Johns chest. Small moans came from the both of them at times. John pulled away with his hand gripping lightly a few buttons on sherlocks baby blue shirt. " may I?" Sherlock nodded and placed a kiss to johns nose. The man beneath him slipped each button away and saw sherlocks pale chest exposed as he did so. When he reached the last one he ran his hand over Sherlock rib cage and he shuddered. "Is this okay?" John asked leaning up, pressing a kiss to sherlocks shoulder. "Yes, John-I can't tell you how far I can go because I don't know."

"It's okay, really, don't worry about me pressing you to do anything, you will never have to worry about that with me, tell me to stop and I will."

Sherlock nodded and they continued, he pulled off johns jumper and pressed himself even closer to his lover. He felt John run his tongue over his bottom lip and he quickly opened his mouth letting John in and flicking his tongue over Johns. Things were getting heated quickly but Sherlock was yet to feel uncomfortable. He could feel johns erection through his trousers and pushed his hips to him, causing John to inhale quickly and moan into sherlocks mouth. While John was slowly growing more frustrated Sherlock seemed to have no physical reaction at all. 

"Sherlock" John whispered but Sherlock didn't look up he just continued to kiss down Johns neck.

"Sherlock, stop." Sherlock did stop, immediately, " I'm sor-"

"No I was very much enjoying it but listen." There were sound of feet coming up the steps and before either of them could move Greg stood in their doorway.

"oh god!" He yelled looking away. 

It was then John realized that Greg wasn't looking away because he didn't approve but because he and Sherlock were still naked from the hips up, hair tousled, lips swollen from kissing, and John raging hard. They ran to pull on their shirts and John cleared his throat, " sorry about that Greg."

"It's alright, I'm really happy for you all, I mean we all kinda suspected but you know how it is. I just didn't expect to see you all about to shag when I came in."

"No we weren't-" they both started but stopped when Greg held up his hand. 

"Doesn't matter, none of my business but I came here because I need Sherlock to come look at a few things we found."

" okay just let me grab a few things." Sherlock said moving toward his room. 

"No, I just need you in the morning, it's not all that important."

"Important enough to interrupt John and I wasn't it?"

"Suppose not, once again sorry I didn't know. I was in the area and thought I would tell you so I didn't have to come back."

"It's fine Greg, no worries. We'll be there in the morning."

"Sorry again."

When he left Sherlock seemed to go off like a grenade , " why would you tell him it's okay?! Now he will just come in here whenever he feels like it!"

John went to step closer but Sherlock stepped back, " Sherlock he didn't mean to, he didn't know? Why is this upsetting you so much?"

"BECAUSE JOHN I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO FEEL COMFORTABLE BEING THAT INTIMATE AND GRAHM RUINED IT ALL!"

"Once again he didn't mean to, come back and we can get back to where we were." He stretched his hand out to the taller man. 

Sherlock reluctantly took his hand and sat back down on the sofa. John started kissing sherlocks neck, " no, I don't feel like kissing John. Not right now."

"Okay, what do you want then?"

"Just hold me, please?"

"Always."

John pulled Sherlock to his chest and cradled him in close, occasionally pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, please comment and let me know what you think!!


	14. Chapter 14

It was the next week and Sherlock is scheduled to meet with his therapist for the first time. Thankfully it fell on one of the days John didn't have to go into the office and he could stay with him. 

Mark, a tall man with slicked back brunette hair came into their flat at 7 that morning. Sherlocks eyes widened, " Mycroft said my therapist was female."

"She moved away last week, Mr.Holmes I assure you that I am just as capable as helping you as she was." 

" that's not the point."

" what is the point then?" Mark spoke in a cliché fake tone that only make Sherlock angry.

"Point is I was told I would have a female therapist and now there is a man with mild halitosis, 3 cats, an ex wife, and a current blonde girlfriend standing in the middle of my flat. Mycroft scheduled a female for a reason."

"Now he booked me, told me specifically not to let you talk me out of leaving, and to help you. Please sit down mr.Holmes."

Sherlock looked over at John and he tilted his head to signal for Sherlock to sit.

"Tea?" John offered to the both of them and they nodded.

 

"Okay mr.holmes why don't we start by you telling me about yourself, since you seem to already know about me."

"Thats a broad topic. What are you specifically wanting to know."

Mark sighed and ran his hand over his face, " please don't make this any harder on yourself."

"I'm not."

"Fine, what do you do for a living?"

"Consulting detective, next."

"Consulting detective? I've never-"

"Only one in the world, I made up the job."

John listened from the kitchen and smiled aimlessly down at the kettle remember how Sherlock said those exact words to him second time they had met.

"But you have an actual job?"

" yes"

"Any relatives you are close to besides your brother?"

Sherlock looked disgusted,"I am NOT close to my brother."

"Fine. Let's just get started."

"Why were you admitted to the hospital."

"Because I was injured."

"How?"

" blade."

The Therapist sighed and was growing irritated with sherlocks short and literal answers," what happened that night. the whole story. Actually never mind, I already know what happened, how old were you when you became self destructive."

" 18"

"And you're how old now?"

"32"

" you have been going on like this for the past 14 years and not gotten help?"

"Yep"

"You're an idiot."

John nearly dropped the tray and jerked his head up to look at Sherlock and then at Mark, " Excuse me, I thought your job is to help him, not to criticize him."

"My apologies."

" what happened that led you to cutting."

"I wish not to say."

" this information is private and I won't say I word but I need to know."

"No you don't NEED to know you just want to know."

"It's my job."

"I don't care."

"Mr.Holmes." He said frustration obvious in his voice.

"Thought about it a lot, even younger than that. No one liked me in school, not many people like me now, not much has changed. While in school people would call me freak, weirdo, tell me I was odd and didn't belong with them. I didn't care at first but eventually I did. I never actually did it but I thought about it. At 18 I was sexually assaulted and the week after is when I started."

" we're you in a relationship with the person who assaulted you?"

"Yes."

" did you stay with them."

"Yes."

" for how long?"

" another 3 years."

" why did you never tell anyone?"

" I didn't think they could help, and if he found out the punishment would have been horrible and probably would have killed me."

"You have an eating disorder as well, yes?"

" mildly"

"John, is it mild?"

" he does eat enough to stay alive and I've been trying to help him with it too, but I really wouldn't call it mild."

" thank you, how much do you weigh mr.Holmes?"

"Somewhere between 8 and 9 stone."

"Mr.holmes that isn't healthy. You are drastically underweight for someone your age and hight."

"Doctor Watson, what have you been doing to help him?"

"Ah, just being supportive and encouraging him to eat. Letting him know it's okay and it's the best thing for him."

 

"Are the two of you together."

Sherlock glanced up at John wondering if it was okay to tell him but thankfully John answered for him, "yes we are."

"Alright. Hour is up, I'll see you all Thursday."

 

Once he left John took up a place by Sherlock and absentmindedly played with sherlocks fingers, " you did good, darling."

" I feel like a 14 year old girl."

"Sherlock lots of grown adults have these sort of struggles too."

" doesn't make me feel any better, doesn't matter though. I'm going to take a bath." He kissed John quickly and walked away.

"Need any help?"

"No, I just want to be alone right now John."

 

"Okay, let me know if you need something."

He didn't get a response but he knew not to expect it. Sherlock was emotionally drained, you could tell by looking in his eyes. He hasn't been sleeping well even with John by his side. His eyes had dark circles under them and any ordinary person could tell he was fighting to keep them open most of the time. He got up and walked to the bathroom before knocking on the door.

"Love?" When he didn't get a response he jus kept speaking. " we still have to go help Greg, at 11, after you get out why don't we try and go back to sleep for an hour or so?"

 

"John will you come in here."

He opened the door knowing everything was okay but in the back of his mind he had a fear something could be wrong. " you alright?"  
It was a painfully obvious question, seeing as Sherlock was just sitting in the bath.

"Yes. I don't want to sleep.after I get out I'm going to see Lestrade and walk around for a while."

" okay any particular place you want to go."

"Alone John. I'm going alone."

The doctors heart sunk, but he tried to keep the smile on his face." Alright. Erm, sorry I'll be in the living room."

 

Minutes later John was called into the office and notified Sherlock of it.

**********************************************

After he had finished up with Lestrade, Sherlock left NSY and walked aimlessly through the streets of London. He thought deeply about his life. What he liked about it and what he didn't like about it. He thought of ways to make him a better person and specifically a better boyfriend. He had come to terms that the relationship he once had was not healthy and not how he should compare his relationship with John to. His mind began to flood with thoughts of John leaving him because he couldn't be intimate and had problems. Without focusing on walking he didn't notice there was a person walking toward him. He ran into them and looked up to see a man he couldn't forget but never remember his name. 

" Sherlock, wow, never thought I would run into you. How have you been?"

" fine."

The man leaned up to whisper in his ear, " hey i just got a new supply of heroine, a few of my buddies have tested it out and said its bloody amazing. You interested?"

Sherlock swallowed hard. While most people knew he had a problem with cocain, few knew he had also been addicted to heroine. Heroine was the best relationship he had ever had up until John. It was always there when he needed it, always knew how to comfort him, never hurt him, and never left him alone. Just talking about it made his skin burn with desire. He closed his eyes and took a moments to think before he answered. He had been clean for so long and was doing so well with at least that and John would be so upset if he started using again, even just once. But God how he craved to feel that needle in his skin and feel his mind start to relax.

 

"No. I don't use any more. Goodbye."

He spoke eloquently and walked away, knowing he needed to get back to 221b before his body turned him around. He needed to be home and he needed John, but John was at the office and he would not bother him. John deserves to have a break from him once in a while.

 

After retiring to the flat he took and shower and managed to calm his mind and nerves enough to function. His mind was still racing though and couldn't seem to stop. He reached in the fridge and grabbed a beer. He never drank but was desperate for some kind of release.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this isn't as long as my other chapters but I hope you all enjoy it, I hope to have chapter 15 up within the next week.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank you all so much for reading this story. When I started it I had doubts that anyone would read it, let alone like it. It truly means the world to me knowing you enjoy my work and even benefit from reading it. Before I go on I would like you all to know that if you are struggling with issues of abuse or self harm etc. please seek help. Your life is so valuable and should be treated as if you are a precious gem. If you ever need anything or just someone to talk to please do not hesitate to contact me. 
> 
>  
> 
> Now to the story: * smut warning*

John returned not long after Sherlock had come home and was greeted by what looked like a tipsy detective but was really just a very tired one.

" John" Sherlock said lazily leaning on the shorter man

" why are you drinking? You never drink."

" ran into my old dealer."

John ran his hand over his face " you didn't take anything from him or anyone else, right?"

Sherlock shook his head " no, I wanted to so bad but I came home." He started pressing small kisses to John's neck.

" good, I'm proud of you." John wrapped an arm around him and led him to the sofa. 

Sherlock was mumbling something incoherently into John's shoulder while attempting to straddle him. 

"John, we should have sex"

"No, absolutely not. Not when you are under any sort of substance."

" I'm not drunk John, I mean we should talk about it. That's what couples do right? Talk about things."

" oh, as long as we are just talking I suppose that's fine. Erm, I know your wanting to talk about sex but what about it?"

" John, I want to please you. I want to be able to give you everything your previous lovers have given you and so much more. One thing that they have given to you is sex, while I really struggle with the concept, I would love nothing more than to continue trying to become intimate with you."

" Sherlock, you know I would never ask you for anything you were not comfortable doing."

" yes John I know that. You say it every time I bring up the subject. Can we just talk about this without you treating me like a wounded animal."

John nodded " yes, I'm sorry."

" since I don't know hardly anything about how you enjoy intercourse, could you say suggestions and I will pick one to try."

" um alright. Well we established that you are comfortable enough to have some of your clothes off while we are kissing so that's already a big step. I suppose we could work on getting more clothes off and you still being okay. I could touch you or you could touch me through our clothes. Um -"

" we should try that. All of that tonight." 

" only if your sure, Sherlock. I mean it, I don't want you to try and push yourself too much for my sake, because I am absolutely fine. I am happier than I have ever been all because of you." John spoke sincerely and leaned to kiss his boyfriend.

The kiss started off gentle but soon became passionate. John ran his tongue over sherlocks bottom lip and Sherlock let him in. Their tongues passed sweetly over one another. Sherlock started to unbutton John's shirt and john did the same to him. They were left in their boxers when John felt Sherlock tense up. He found the best way to help Sherlock when things got like this was a lot of praise and reassuring him everything was fine. 

" hey, you okay?"John asked running his hand down Sherlocks arm. The taller man nodded but still seemed tense. John kept his hands in one place and went back to slowly kissing him, that seemed to help a little bit. " god Sherlock you are so beautiful." He said running a hand through the curls and his lover leaned into his touch. He moved back to kissing John and even wrapped his thumb in the elastic of John's boxers. He gave him a questioning look and John nodded in approval. Sherlock was feeling pretty confident at this moment and started kissing down John's body. Taking his time licking, sucking, and playing with John's nipples. John let out small grunts of pleasure and continued to praise him. Sherlock had now come to the point where he was on his knees kissing at the inside of John's thigh and over his hips. 

" can I?" He asked 

" Sherlock, answer me this first, and honestly."

" how much have you had to drink."

" I had one beer. You can go check if you need to."

" okay I believe you I just don't want to think you are doing this because you are drunk."

" I'm fine. I want to do this. Please?"

" only if you're absolutely sure and won't push yourself past your limit. Baby you have done so well tonight." He said squatting to kiss his boyfriend.

" I'm sure, please let me suck your beautiful cock."

Hearing Sherlock say that nearly drove him over the edge but he managed to hold off. Sherlock grasped John's prick firmly and slowly brought the head to his mouth. John moaned loudly at the feeling of a wet, hot mouth around him.

"Sherlock that feels so good" he gently placed his fingers in sherlocks hair, making an effort to show him he wasn't going to push his head down. John was getting so close when Sherlock tried to take him even further into his mouth. John felt his cock hit the back of sherlocks throat and Sherlock gagged and quickly pulled off coughing. 

John completely forgot how close he had been and knelt down beside Sherlock.

" are you okay? I'm so sorry."

" I'm fine, why are you sorry? You didn't force your cock down my throat." His voice was raspy but he really did seem to be fine.

John kissed him quickly before murmuring praises. " you did so good baby" " I'm so proud of you" 

Sherlocks cheeks flushed red at the pet names. He always adored when John called him by pet names but he never mentioned it out loud until now. " I love when you do that"

"Do what?"

" call me baby or love, it makes me feel....i don't know, special and wanted."

" you are special and wanted my love"

"So are you John."

They took a moment and just smiled at one another exchanging quick kisses. 

" do you want me to finish you off?" 

John had almost forgot about his erection. It had now gone flaccid and he wasn't bothered by it. " no beautiful, I'm fine. What about you? Do you want me to do anything for you?"

Sherlock gritted his teeth and debated on what to tell John. The truth is he hadn't got hard once during their entire session. He decided against telling him in case he was to take it as Sherlock didn't find him sexually appealing.   
" no, I'm good." He said kissing him deeply. " can we go to bed"

John grinned," of course"

He and John lay there with each other just talking about different things wrapped in each others arms. John grew quiet and his breathing became deeper, he had fallen asleep. Sherlock smiled at the sleeping figure and cradled John's head close to his chest, dropping kisses on it every now and then.


End file.
